Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
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