i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
she told me i tasted like america
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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