Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I could fuck to npr.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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