He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
