I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
