He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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