i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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