party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
