the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
