Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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