i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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