So drunk its hurt
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Randomize
