I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
