so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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