textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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