Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Randomize
