if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
