i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
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