I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
