Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
