you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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