see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
