i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
