I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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