Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
