tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Can't talk, ducks in the car
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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