dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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