things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
NoShamevember. You game?
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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