Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
try to milk me bitch
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
