Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
