My Higher Power is John Stamos
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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