New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
