the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
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Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
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Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
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