sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
