I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Randomize
