I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
