after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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