I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
He has the fingertips of a God
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
