My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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