I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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