At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Randomize
