Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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