i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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