So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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