if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
