She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
