areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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