I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
