I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
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