If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
