woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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