he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
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