True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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