Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
