i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
And the cops told us we were all naked.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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