Don't you send me to vm
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
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