She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
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