Sponge bath it is.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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