Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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